


Dearer Than Ever

by darlingcarmilla



Category: Anne of Green Gables, Anne of the Island
Genre: Basically the main romantic scenes from the that book, F/F, anne of the island - Freeform, between anne n gil, but femslashified, but overdose p.s. also, i mean no actual character death, modern femslash Anne of the Island AU, possibly implied suicide attemp
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-20
Updated: 2016-04-20
Packaged: 2018-06-03 09:21:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,608
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6605380
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/darlingcarmilla/pseuds/darlingcarmilla
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>So yeah the kinds kinda tell you but this is basically a modern AU of Anne of the Island, just a oneshot with the main Anne/Gil scenes and they're gay.<br/>Also p.s. apologies that it's not very well edited if at all, and also kinda rushed but I did write it all last night, anyway, here...<br/>(kinda for @heathenphil on tumblr, i hope you like it?)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dearer Than Ever

"Gil!" Anne smiled, "I didn't know you were coming over."  
"Sorry to catch you by surprise, I was just heading back from the library and I did text you... although that's hardly a reliable method of contact for you, I know." Gil stood, smiling lopsidedly, her teeth sharp and poking out endearingly, her hair was done up neatly, braided and pinned, Anne noticed. It was something she'd been showing Gil before. Gil usually seemed less skilled at hair styling, but it looked very neat, as well as her outfit. Usually she wore jeans and a hoodie. Simple stuff, but today she was wearing a simple, but attractive black dress. With spaghetti straps and a flowy skirt almost to the floor.  
Anne grinned sheepishly, "The library? You look really nice..." she looked down at her thin cotton dress, with the puffy sleeves. It was light pink and she loved it usually. It seemed all old-fashioned, and she was reading this old book, but now it felt childish. Like she was wearing a dress up and she wished she'd checked her phone. "And sorry, I was just reading a bit."

"I didn't mean to interrupt." Gil blushed, and seemed to waver a little a little... her usual confident gait was cut short and Anne felt an odd sense of unease she didn't quite understand.  
"Oh no... don't worry about it. It's probably good you're here. I was just, um, having fun. What's up? Do you want me to get Phil, she's just watching something." Phil would make this less awkward, Anne thought.  
"Oh no, it's okay."  
"I saw you practised that hairstyle I showed you last time. It looks good." Anne wondered why she felt so odd, she wished it could feel, more normal. Gil looked so... tall. So... there, in front of here, inescapable, and Anne found herself looking at the ground, avoiding Gil's eyes.  
"Thanks." It didn't feel normal, and when Anne caught sight of Gil's smile again she felt strange. "Hey, would you like to go for a walk? I know this small park nearby with violets growing... I know you always liked them Anne."

"You sure I shouldn't ask Phil to come?"  
"Don't bother her." Gil said, though it sounded like more like "Come alone." and Anne didn't know how to decline without acknowledging that. That strangeness... it was worse when she had to lean against Gil to get out the small entrance of the place she was staying at near her university.  
As they walked Anne tried to talk a little. Gil seemed perfectly okay with silence, but the silence wasn't normal, not the way it used to be. Anne did what she could to keep it light, talking about violets until they got there.

***

There was a small patch behind some trees in the little park. Anne felt that on any other day this sight would fill her with happiness. The perfect little petals, and the way they sat, so gently together, the colours rich and soft and lovely. She knelt down beside the patch, and tried to describe the way she felt about them, but she was feeling so little... with Gil, who sat down beside her. A feeling was building in her stomach, and the warmth of Gil's fingers brushing against her arm felt so completely blinding, and she could think of little else.

"Anne." Gil said softly, "There'll be time for violets later, I wanted to asked you something."  
"I'm babbling." It was something Anne usually said as an apology, but now found herself half whipsering, toneless.  
"I love hearing you talk... usually, but there's something. Something I've... thought for a long time, and I can't bring myself not to tell you any longer."  
"Oh Gil..." Anne said turning to finally look at her, feeling half-sick. "Gil don't."

Gil's eyes looked teary and her mouth quivered a little, "Anne I have to. I can no longer be friends with you, Anne. Being around you is... maddening, and Anne I care... about you."  
Anne felt so lost, so afraid and unsure, but Gil looked so warm, and her face, so close to Anne's, and a few tendrils of her dark hair had fallen around her face... and her teeth beneath her lips seemed so... She didn't know. She couldn't say. But she found herself leaning forward, and Gil did too, slowly... with hope in her eyes, her breath warm and minty, and before Anne could say a word, Gil had leaned down to gently kiss her for a moment before Anne pulled away sharply.

"How could you?" Anne whispered, she felt herself light headed, her body shaking, half numb with fear... she didn't know what this would mean but...  
"I'm... I'm sorry." Gil's voice cracked and a tear fell on her dress, she could feel it, "I didn't mean... I mean... I'd thought... well, I'd thought something, but I obviously deluded myself into it. Imagining something that wasn't there."  
Anne couldn't look at Gil, she looked at the violets instead, "You've gone and ruined everything. I... I can't believe you would do this. I loved being your friend, but that was wrong."  
"I can't. I can't do it. I'm sorry Anne. I'll leave you alone."  
"I won't tell anyone." Anne whispered.  
Gil left without speaking, and Anne stayed for a while, unsure whether or not she was going to throw up. What would she do? How would she... live? Like this? Gil had kissed her, she'd ruined everything. What would she say when she went back to Avonlea and... God, a summer without Gillian Blythe. She wept as quietly as she could for a while before she could manage going home. She wished she could tell Phil.

***

Gil walked back to her dorm, trying not to cry. She wondered if she'd ever taken advantage, but she'd always thought that Anne had liked her in some way... and she'd leaned forward. But it had probably been all in her head. Dear God she was like those entitled men, thinking Anne liked her, feeling entitled. This was all her fault, and now, what did she have? Without Anne... what was there? She'd been too quick to do this. She knew. She'd loved Anne for the longest time, and all she'd ever wanted was to kiss Anne. She supposed, now, that she had. 

She felt sick at the thought. Something she'd dreamed about for years, and she'd ruined it. She slowly took out the pins, and it took her a few tries. She pulled and pulled endlessly, but it felt so tight and there were so many and she just wanted them out and she wanted this dress off. Anne was always sweet but it didn't look nice. She looked at her reflection... the tear stained, swollen eyes, her dress was ridiculous. She wasn't pretty enough to wear a dress like that. Anne was always pretty, always perfect, always interesting and sweet.

Fuck, she needed to focus on her studies, not Anne. She was going to focus on them because nothing else mattered, did it? What else mattered? What else did she have? She had some a few friends, but a lot of them were Anne's too... She'd probably fixated too much on Anne but this was good. She would help Christine with tutoring too. Why not agree to that? What else was she going to do because she really didn't want to see any of her friends right now. 

***

After two years of not seeing Gil, Anne... well, she still thought about Gil a lot, but it was less scary, less uncomfortable. So when she got back to Green Gables after graduating she really was not prepared to hear Davy, Marilla's foster younger kid yelling "Anne! Anne! Did you know I growed a whole inch since you left? I'm about as tall as Milty Boulter now, I'm catching up, and hey Anne, did you know that Gillian Bylthe is dying?"

Anne felt herself freeze up, cold and dizzy and searching for something to hold onto with her left hand.  
"Davy!" Mrs Lynde, who now lived with Marilla scolded him, "Shush now, don't say that. Anne don't look like that, please don't, come on Anne, sit down. We didn't mean to tell you so soon, we know you two have been close, since you made up."  
"Is... it... true?" Anne asked in a voice that didn't feel like her own.  
"Gillian is very sick," Mrs Lynde replied gravely, "The doctors said she's been really run down, depressed, exhausted... working herself hard, and taking medication that..."  
Marilla looked down at Davy, wearily "Off to bed with you."

Marilla took Davy up the stairs as he yelled protests Anne could barely register, as Mrs Lynde walked towards her, "Oh Anne, I'm sorry. She almost seemed as close as you and Diana."  
It was different, Anne thought bitterly, but Mrs Lynde wouldn't know, would she?  
"She seems to have had a sort of overdose... It may have been an accident... but Oh Anne, the Blythes are paying for the best care they can give her. While there's life there's hope. You can see her tomorrow."  
Mrs Lynde put her arms around Anne's small, thin, tired body and added, "She's got the Blythe immune system in her favour Anne, you'll see."  
But Anne could only gently put Mrs Lynde's arms away from her and walk blindly upstairs to her room.

***

Back in her old room, Anne looked out over the garden, the big old trees whipping against the side of the house, stormy night that had slowly been brewing... the rain pouring harshly like knives, cutting little holes in the ground, and Anne felt sobs wracking her body as she hadn't felt for a long time. Since she'd rejected Gil. Since she'd ruined everything. She could see it now... she couldn't believe she'd been with Roy, as if he'd meant anything.

She'd let him snake his bony arms around her and they'd felt too tight, too crushing... and he'd kissed her and it was like enduring something slimy and wrong... and she'd told herself it was what she'd always wanted. A prince, galloping in... the whole white knight thing, like she'd always told Diana. Handsome, tall, stately, charming... Roy had been perhaps thrilling. Charming maybe? But the feeling in her stomach was an odd sickness. She'd felt trapped in his embrace, like a prison to escape, a nauseous mess that made her feel like she was obeying rules in fear. As if it was who she should, and mustbe with... something she was supposed to do.

But when Gil had kissed her, and she'd felt warm and scared but lovely... that was what she'd wanted. That was love. That was what she'd always dreamed about and she'd said no. She'd been cruel, a coward. To Gil no less... she couldn't even take the time to explain, to be gentle, to apologise. Dear God, what had she done? And Gil was dying... was she dead?

She wished she could say it, "I'm in love with Gillian Blythe." Wished she could ask for Marilla's car, to drive to the hospital to say, "I may not be family but I'm in love with her, please tell me everything."

But she couldn't. She felt scared and sick and terrified, and what had Gillian done? With pills? She knew their work at university had taken a toll on everyone, but this was different. Gillian had done so well, seemed so good at everything. She was always on top, and now... she wondered if this was her fault. The thought made her sick, and she hunched over in fury and pain, pulling at her hair. Anne wanted to say she loved her but... would Gillian even love her anymore? After all this? She had never even said love.

She'd been so selfish, so presumptous, caught up in fear and now... she didn't know how she'd make it through the night.

***

Anne woke up on the floor, uncomfortable and cold and dirty, but she rushed down anyway, "Any news of Gillian?" she asked.  
"We saw on facebook, Mrs Blythe said that Gillian was took a turn for the better last night. She's improving."  
"Good, that's... that's good." Anne nodded and went back up the stairs more slowly, only letting herself cry tears of relief when she'd reached her room again. She decided to have a shower afterwards, and finally went downstairs, more composed.  
"Do you think I might be able to see her today?" she tried to sound more casual than she felt, because there was not an inch of her that did not feel desperately that she must see Gillian right 

"I think it should be alright," Mrs Lynde said sympathetically, "Blythes are sturdy, and I'm taking Davy to see Milty today... I could drop you off on the way."  
"When are you going?" Anne hadn't the energy for subtlety or politeness now.  
"I can go as soon as Davy comes down here." She said sympathtically.  
Anne just nodded. 

The ride was as uncomfortable and slow as she'd expected, although perhaps more unbearable. Davy understood that something was wrong. He wasn't certain of what it was and kept talking and talking, and Mrs Lynde argued with him briskly while Anne couldn't bring herself to say a word. At least not until it was her stop, "Will you be alright Anne?"  
Anne could only nod, "I know the front desk is over there... I've been here before for my leg, remember?" there might have been humour in that at any other time, but now she couldn't laugh at the ridiculous memory.  
"Take care Anne."

***

The hospital was as big, and too clean and too bright and as uncomfortable as Anne remembered it. The smell was especially unpleasant, because it was so subtle, but sickeningly ever present. She hoped Gil felt alright. She probably didn't. Even if this place didn't feel horrible, Gil must feel horrible, she thought as she followed the nurse to the ward where Gil was. 

Mrs Blythe was outside, groggy and unkempt. It was obvious she'd spent the night.  
"Oh Anne." she gave a small smile, it was all she could manage, "Are you here to see Gil?"  
"If that's alright." she knew Mrs Blythe was aware of her not talking with Gil, and Anne wondered how much she knew, what she was thinking.  
Mrs Blythe replied looked at the nurse without smiling, she'd used up all her politeness in her greeting smile. Anne understood. 

The nurse didn't smile either, "I'll just..."  
She returned swiftly, "I'm sorry, not just now, she'll be alright but..." Anne couldn't listen to the rest. She was too tired. She was relieved she'd managed to bring her purse to take the bus back. 

***

"I was wondering if we might go for a walk together tonight, just around before it gets too dark?"  
"I'm sorry Gil, I can't... I'm going to Alice Penhallow's wedding tonight, and I've got some adjustments to do on the dress. Mrs Lynde has insisted. I'd wish I could go though, that sounds lovely." I'm not rejecting you, is what Anne wanted to say.  
Gil smiled, not seeming very discouraged, "How about tomorrow afternoon?"

"I can rearrange a little and make it work..." Gil's eyes followed Anne's pale green dress, "Is that the dress you're adjusting? " Gil's smile widdened, and her teeth showed, her eyes crinkled a little too, at the edges.  
Anne found herself blushing, "Yes, I'm going to take it in a little, I got it second hand, and take it up a bit too... I was thinking I might put starflowers in my hair, to match. There are so many in the Haunted Woods lately."

For a moment Gillian pictured Anne, her gown fitting nicely, and her hair pinned up, the way she often did, and starflowers shining through it... and her breath caught in her throat. But she turned away lightly, "Have fun, I'll see you tomorrow."

Anne wondered if her casual tone meant she was over Anne... she'd been overly friendly recently, and though Anne felt intensely warm and desperate and nervous every time she saw Gil, she wondered if Gil didn't feel the same way anymore. Whether she'd ruined everything. She even wondered if perhaps she'd only imagined the kiss. It had been so long ago, so ridiculous and... how could Gil even begin to like her?

***

When the next afternoon arrived, Anne was eagerly waiting outside, in another green dress she'd worn on Redmond orientation day that Gil had complimented. She wondered if Gil remembered, if she realised. She was trying to give signs, but if Gil didn't love her anymore... well, perhaps Gil wouldn't notice anything. Their walk to Hester Grey's garden was beautiful, and Gil did look beautiful too... older somehow, after everything she'd been through. But healthier, and lovley... safe.

When they finally got there, Anne tried to be casual.  
"If anything could be called the land of dreams... it's that misty haze over there..." she mused.  
"Do you... have any unfulfilled dreams Anne? For the future?" Gil asked, turning to her, and something about her tone reminded Anne of that kiss, near the violets... the way she'd talked.  
Anne's heart beat wildly, but she answered as lightly as she could manage, "Of course, don't we all? What would we have without dreams... aspirations... Gil, isn't the smell of those ferns and asters lovely? I wish we could see perfumes as well as smell them, I'm sure they'd be very beautiful."

"I have lots of dreams for the future..." Gil told Anne, nervously, quivering a little, but determined, "I've dreamt for years, of a future, where I'd have a home, and be a doctor, of course... of having a stable job, perhaps a cat... and a dog... but... in particular... a future with you."  
Anne looked at Gillian for a moment hardly able to speak. Uncertain whether she was more happy or afraid or excited... 

Gillian looked at her, fear in her eyes... her hair softly falling around her face, and her cheeks flushed, her breath sweet and warm and all Anne could do was lean forward... and this time she did kiss Gil. Gently, slowly... and as Gil kissed her back, took Anne in her arms, kissed her cheek, Anne knew it would be okay. This was okay... everything she'd feared, for such a long time. Everything that had felt wrong or terrifying felt good and perfect. She wished it would never end, but it did, and after a while, sitting in silence, Gillian tracing patterns on her back, Anne spoke.

"I... I'd thought you loved Christine." Anne murmured.  
"I thought you'd loved Roy Gardener," Gil retorted, "I just tutored Chris. She was a good friend during a... difficult time." Anne felt a pang of guilt, but Gil pulled her closer. "She was engaged to this guy, she wasn't... she didn't have any interest in me, but she's bi, she was one of the few people who knew what really happened. She understood, but I never..."

"I've been such an idiot," Anne replied, "All this time, I was so scared. I didn't want to tell anyone, like I promised... but I finally gave in and told Phil. I'm sorry, but I didn't know how I could cope. Gil, it felt so terribly scared."  
"It's alright, I know, I was too."  
"But Gil, God... I can't believe what I... Well, I mean, Roy seemed nice, but he was so... nothing that I was interested in. I'd thought I was, but I hated kissing him, it was so horrible..."  
"He kissed you?" Gil pulled Anne closer, so that her head was resting on Gil's shoulder.  
"I never wanted to," Anne replied, tearily, "Oh Gil, I can't believe I didn't realise that... how could you ever care for me?"  
"I've loved you ever since the day you broke that hardcover book over my head."

"I don't see how you could, when I was such a little brute." she murmured into Gil's shoulder.  
Gil laughed, then became serious, "Well, I tried to stop. After... what happened, I thought it was all in my head. Wishful thinking, and I couldn't believe what I'd done. I felt sort of... I don't know? Helpless, horrible... I didn't want to live without you..."  
Anne let out a sob.  
"Oh Anne, it wasn't... it was university too. My work was getting harder, and I didn't know how to talk to, how to keep up... It wasn't really... it was a sort of accident, Anne."  
Another sob.  
"But after my mother told me you'd come in to try to visit me at the hospital, the hope that you wanted to see me... to be in my life... the doctors were impressed with my recovery after that. I was so desperate to see you. I mean, it's not perfect, but I'm back to life just about as usual now, with a few extra accommodations. I feel like I can handle everything... I'm hopeful."

"Oh Gil... I can never forget the night I thought you were dying... I'd thought it was too late."  
"But it isn't sweetheart, and now..." Gil pulled away a little so that she could lean down and kiss Anne... sweetly though a little greedily, and Anne kissed back, passionately.  
"I've always loved this garden, but now..." she smiled and leaned up to kiss Gil gently, "It will be dearer than ever."

They walked home together in the dusk, along the winding paths, fringed with the sweetest flowers that ever bloomed, and over the haunted meadows, where winds of hope and memory blew.


End file.
